I want to answer the question why men always come back and what you should do about it. Ready? Set? Let's get it! So, one of the biggest reason why guys tend to always come back after being with a woman is that, for me, it's when you think he reflects about the good times that you guys had the laughter, playing around, and just thinking about what you've had in the past. Things that didn't go right; why you or he broke the relationship. You are focused on the good things, and they want to rekindle that.

#1 He want to get those emotional, physical and sexual benefits and highs.  "Oh babe you, you got what I need and she said he just a friend," in my Biz Markie voice. Okay!

#2 Another reason a man comes back is to see if you're still available and waiting to be chosen. He wants to know if you're still in the market, or how have you been, if you're in the same position, waiting on the sideline to be picked, if you got in the game and/ or dating anybody.

#3 The third and final reason is that he came back to see if you have matured to develop. He's checking if you were able to change the things he didn't like about you, which takes me right into what you should do about it.

Rather than asking why he came back, I challenge you to revisit the reason why he left or why you left? I'm a firm believer that the first instinct is the right instance once you make your mind up about something. And you need to follow that. So, if he didn't choose you at that moment, that means that at that time, he didn't feel that you were the one or that he wasn't ready. If there was somebody else that he felt like was a better fit for him, that perhaps for whatever reason, that workout, and now he's coming back to you as his option B. Nobody wants to feel like their backup plan, right? So be very careful. ​

There's a reason why the relationship ended in the first place, so going back in the relationship again may not be a good idea. Even if you were the person to end the relationship, why did you end it? What was it about him that you didn't like? What was it about the relationship that you didn't like? The truth of the matter is, I'm not going to say that people don't change because they do. Romans 12:1 and 2; one talks about being a living sacrifice for God, and two talks about renewing your mind so you can transform your life. However, it is a process. It takes time, and it is done through an intense pursuit of the things and will of God. Often, women are expecting a man to change, and it's by their own will and not through the power of God or his power of submitting to God. A lot of times, people settle more into who they are and resist change. Suppose I can be honest. So what I say you should do about it, you should be careful.  When a man meets a woman he wants to be with and feels like marrying her, he usually pursues it.

There are some cases, and I must give a disclaimer about this, where it may be 10, 20 years later, a situation where yall dated in high school or dated in college. You were both young, liked each other, but didn't want to be in a relationship or marriage at that time. However, ten years later, you both are now more mature and ready for a serious relationship.  That's two different things. The first case when somebody comes back at three months, six months, twelve months, that's not that much time to experience any significant change. But when you're talking about five or ten years, where at one case, the man may not have been ready for marriage. You know, it doesn't matter what women can do. If a man is not prepared to get married, he's not going to marry you.

If a man was not ready to get married before but decided to get married now and you're still available, he'll come to get you! But don't wait around for it because it could be eight to eighteen years. My sister had this experience. She was ready to get married, but her then-boyfriend wasn't. He came back eight years later and asked for her hand in marriage. Thankfully she wasn't waiting for him all those years. There needs to be a distinction between the short term and the long term breakup. Also, ask the question; what made you decide to hit me up? What are your intentions now in a dating relationship? These questions need to be asked to validate his motivates.

Let me recap the points I am making. One of the top reasons a man comes back is because he miss the companionship, either emotionally, physically and/or sexually.  Another reason could be he is circling back after another relationship didn't work out for him.  Finally, a man may be checking in to see if you have matured enough. I'm here to support you on this journey. So until next time, be blessed. Be sure to comment below and let me know your thoughts.

​

​I'm thrilled that you're a part of my community, and if you're not part of the Facebook book group, I encourage you to join in the Young Singles Saved and Successful Dating for Marriage group because we're up to so exciting and interesting resources about your pre-marriage journey. 

While relaxing at this beautiful resort, I thought of sharing the  with Seven Mistakes Young Amazing Singles Make in the Dating with you. I'm Jill Bulluck, a life transformation scientist, marriage prep coach for those who don't know or familiar with me. I'm here to work with you to create the life you love, attract, and keep your love of your. 

The month of September is all about self-improvement, and I'm kicking this off by sharing the seven mistakes singles commit while they are in a dating relationship.

1. Investing emotions too soon. It's the feeling of rushing for the relationship to move forward, and in the process, you overlook the character of the person you're in a dating relationship with. It is something that you need to avoid while you are on the dating stage. So please, hold your horses and savor the moment while you're dating and get to know each other well. 

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart carefully because your life flows from it." When you meet someone, you don't throw yourself up easily to that person. You have to guard your heart. Don't give it away for the first few days or months of the dating relationship. When you give your heart, your body tends to follow, and that is a loophole. As a woman, we offer so much of ourselves; emotionally and sexually. My tip is always to guard your heart and don't let your emotion overwhelm you because you'll be pulling the relationship forward and start to make demands and conditions. If a man or woman is not ready for a relationship, then fall back and let go. Don't push things to happen the way you want it to be. Don't try to manipulate and control things; if you know that he or she is not the one for you, then so be it.

Proverbs 18:22
"When a man finds a wife, he has found a treasure, for she is God's gift to bring him joy and pleasure. But the one who divorces a good woman loses what is good from his house to choose an adulterous is both stupid and unGodly." This is an encouragement for the wives, those who live in waiting to experience, and those who have experienced a divorce. If the relationship ended due to infidelity, that is his or her loss, and God will give you something better.

2. Unable to express frustrations and dislikes in a healthy way. If you're unable to express your frustrations and dislikes healthily, then you have anger issues. It is where you see people have been passive-aggressive. However, it can also be overreacting. Some people can be angry often, and some overreact without feeling like they have anger issues. But what I'm saying is if you're responding and you're finding yourself when you're communicating with a man, even with your children, cause everywhere you go, there you are. You're the same person, right? How do you communicate with others? Are you able to express disappointment in frustration without raising your voice? Or maybe you don't say anything to the point that you are suppressing your feelings and wait until things get terrible. It is a big mistake! You need to learn how to speak up and free yourself from the fear of being rejected. Your opinion matters, and you get to express it. We got to be in a place that we can share without all the negative emotions because emotions are good. We want to make sure we're operating in the positive emotions of joy, love, peace, happiness, and not in anger or aggression, bitterness, or other negative emotions.

3. Trying to pull the relationship forward and putting in so much work to try to make the relationship work.  You’re always doing things hurriedly or in a rush from one event that you planned on the next immediately. It’s like you’re choking the moment and over anticipating everything that happens or will happen. 

Songs 1:27, 1 and 2
“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who builds it unless the Lord guards the city, the Watchman stands in vain. It is vain for you to rise early, to sit up late, and to eat the bread of sorrow, for so he gives his beloved sleep.” When you build a relationship, God should be the foundation. When you’re making the relationship with God as your foundation, God is working everything out. We don’t have to carry the burden, and we shouldn’t have to. Women should not be putting in all the work in these relationships. If these relationships are a burden to you, then you have to assess if these relationships are built on solid ground or will be another same old relationship.

4. Assuming versus Fact-Checking.  My mom told me a quote on the day of my wedding, and this is a quote from Ben Franklin,  “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” It is a piece of essential advice. Sometimes we hear other people say certain things, and we take it as the truth without checking the facts. I remember seeing a friend putting a lot of pressure on her friend to divorce her husband in a divorce court. It is because her husband’s friend was hugging another girl in a restaurant. It turned out that the woman her friend’s husband was hugging was his cousin. It was his cousin who was suffering from a devastating loss of a loved one. Therefore, don’t jump into conclusions without checking the facts first. You can trust, but you have to verify because jumping into conclusions is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. You also have to be aware of what’s going on around you, especially if you’re like me with a history of being cheated on. Likewise, if you had a history of women cheating on you, your auto-response is that this woman is unfaithful. Take time to assess the facts and give yourself a chance to clear your mind before taking the next step.

5. Taking myself off the market and dating exclusively without a clear commitment. I don’t encourage you to date exclusively. If you just met somebody nice to you, you’re flattered with the attention given, and you talk over the phone, you’re in the friend zone. The thing is, be okay with being in the friend zone. You don’t want to jeopardize the friendship you’re building for a relationship that might not work out. In our culture nowadays, we’re so accustomed to skipping the level of friendship. Don’t skip the friendship stage because this should precede the dating stage. I repeat, don’t skip friendship!

6. Overly consumed with the possibility of the future versus living in the present. Again, you should be concerned about having a good time, living in the moment, and enjoying life. In our childhood, we feel like running off, meeting our Prince Charming, and getting married should be the drill. But, it's our childhood fantasy, an obsession that we hold on to as we grow. When you go out in the dating market, your goal is to date for marriage and be intentional, but don't forget to have a good time. Release yourself from pressure. You and the other person you're dating are trying to assess each other to see both decent human beings. Dating is to collect data.

I'll mention a scripture from James's book, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has its troubles." I want you to savor the moment, and don't worry about tomorrow. At the onset of dating, we have to be attentive and clear with the intentions right there, so we know we're in the same mindset. The energy of the pressure of where this relationship is going is extremely off-putting. It is extremely unattractive. It will hit the kill switch. It can hit the kill, switch on his desire. I always say to people; we're not dropping the thought of helping women create the life they love because you should be living the life you love that you don't want to let it go. I don't want to lose my good thing. It is my life, my freedom. I live in my vision, my purpose, and fulfilling God's assignment for my life. I want you to be in a better place, holding on to your life of singleness and preserve something good. We want to have a life that is great and not the worst. 

7. Being honest about what you want. If you're not in an exclusive dating zone, you can have other friends even with the opposite sex. You need to understand where you are, what their intentions are, and the purpose of it. Now there's going to be some people where there's a relationship. There's no attraction. You're just friends. You don't want to date him; he doesn't want to date you. There might be a romantic relationship because you have chemistry, right? You met each other at the right time when he wants to get married, and you also want to. You have to check on compatibility more than chemistry.

Here's a quick recap of everything I shared on this blog. Number 1, investing emotions too soon, Number 2, unable to express frustrations and dislikes in a healthy way, Number 3, trying to pull the relationship forward and putting in so much work to try to make the relationship work, Number 4, assuming versus fact-Checking, Number 5, taking yourself off the market and dating exclusively without a clear commitment, Number 6, overly consumed with the possibility of the future versus living in the present, finally, Number 7, being honest about what you want. 

Let me take this opportunity to invite you to join the Emotional Detox Challenge. It's going to be coming up in the next two to four weeks. 

We got to validate and solidify if he or she is ready to be in a relationship. The duration of dating depends on the process the two of you are going to go through. If there are unresolved issues in the past, it will be evident during the dating process, and it may delay him or her in pursuing the relationship. Unresolved issues in the past should not hinder you from getting the life you love, so all of these should be cleared out in the dating process. You'll gain more knowledge and experiences from other participants if you're up to the challenge and register to the Emotional Detox Challenge by clicking this link http://bit.ly/emotionaldetoxchallenge.

Your sister in the journey of attracting and keeping healthy happy love.

​Jill Bulluck

 
"Jill, I have a question for you.  How do you stop yourself from going all the way with a guy since you are making out i.e. kissing, hugging and your body temperature is rising, how do you stop in the midst of it all?"

As I read the words from my Messenger, my jaw dropped, I could not believe what I was reading.  In my pursuit of abstaining for Jesus and doing everything remain celibate from avoiding what seems like a mere kiss on the lips to the locking of the hands; I was totally in shock of the level of innocence and lack of understanding this beautiful soul possesses.  I know a lot of something about what she was asking because I had graduated from the School of Hard Knock University.

See after going a full eighteen months of abstaining, relaxing my boundaries one day I got fatigued of resisting my boyfriend at the time as he horseplay around the house, chasing me, I gave in, and we had sex. Prior to this point, we had been together for nine months and both committed to celibacy. The crazy thing is, he never intended for it to go down like that and neither did I. He was literally just playing around but for some reason that day I threw my boundaries out the window and the rest was history.  In the heat of the moment it went down. Everything was all good until the morning after.  Have you ever been in a situation where your initial intentions were one thing but you looked up you were in another situation you haven't prepared for? That is exactly where I found myself.

Later that evening, the shame and guilt started to rise in me. I wish I could say that was a one and done for me and my husband before marriage but it wasn’t. We can count on my hand how many times we were together but after a few failed attempts, him going on sabbatical and me to counseling and seeking God; we decided to not have sex again until our wedding day. 

So as I stared at this graphic explanation of how to resist getting into a sexual entanglement once allowed yourself to get aroused, I wanted to reply; I have no idea but once you figure it out, please let me know. But of course, I did not, up to this point, I had never really shared my story except for the time I emotionally vomited on someone who emailed me how I did it.  That day I totally lost it. I had felt hidden, ashamed so afraid that someone would judge me based on my imperfections that it limited me from sharing my journey with others. I realized that my boundaries had to be non-negotiable and that holding hands and even a peck on the lips could take you way farther than you wanted to go.


As I stared at my Messenger trying to compose a response without criticism, judgment or offending, I felt a deep level of conviction like never before to share my story.  This conviction did not come from me but from above.  God said to me "that wasn’t about you.  Are you going to allow false shame and false guilt cause other people to stay in bondage or will you share your truth, go back and help others who are struggling with the same thing you struggled with and now have overcome?  


After receiving this message and realizing there were still people out there who did not know how to save themselves nor did they understand the importance of setting boundaries, I knew I had to come from behind the veil. I could no longer hide. I had to first forgive myself, accept God’s forgiveness and allow my test to be a testimony.  I had to meditate on this scripture, "there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, 4 that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit Romans 8:1-4  If you too struggle with sharing your story due to false shame or guilt, allow this scripture to minister to your soul and release you from bondage of your past.


I didn’t not only share my story but I decided to write a whole book about it called Sexless Single and literally had a t-shirt designed that said “Former Sexless Single”.  


Listen, sharing your story for the first time on a public platform is never easy and writing and promoting a book can be very time consuming and cost over $10,000 to $20,000 if done right.  For my first book, I spent $1200 for a book coach and twelve months, forty-six hours of listening to audio and I walked away with a bunch of stickies, ideas and random stories.


That is when I pivoted to doing book collaborations aka an anthology with others authors. Me along nine authors wrote the Sexless Single | How to Stay Sexless in a Sex Filled World.  This process made it much easier.   If you are ready to share your story with the massive, take the life lessons you’ve learned, the growth you are experiencing and leverage someone else's influence, platform and resources to get your message to the world, then I invite you to book a call with me or my sister, Treal Ravenel to see if becoming a part of an anthology t is right for you.  Most of the authors have started some type of business and/or built significant credibility and influence after being part of the book collaboration project aka the anthology. Go to bit.ly/becomingaBYTauthor to apply.


Understand when you share your story especially in a book collaboration, it allows you to experience four levels of transformation:

1.) transformation for yourself with a deeper level of healing and restoration that takes place
2.) transformation for your reader
3.) transformation for your family, community
4.) transformation in your purpose, ministry or business.

Using this approach will save you so much time, energy, guide you, and helps you get your story out there faster, strategically and on a larger platform.  If you want to learn more about how to get that story out of your belly and out of your soul onto the page and out to the world, book a time so we can see if a book collaboration is right for you.  Go to bit.ly/becomingaBYTauthor to apply. 


Launching into my purpose and leading into my power was the best thing I could have done for my marriage. No more shame, guilt, worrying, fear, or anxiety about what if they find out.  Not only that but with the right coaches like me and Treal Ravenel, this will be part of your legacy and the beginning of you living unapologetically in your purpose with a process that you can use to serve the masses. Having a book is one of the best gateway into launching a business or ministry and build your own stage to help others experience their transformation


P.S. If you want to learn more about how to embark on your personal transformational journey, keep your eyes and ears open as we will be having a sale this weekend opening up 18 spots in the Be Ye Transformed Academy, which is the #1 academy for spiritual, personal and relationship development for Women of Faith.


Jill Bulluck, I help prepare and position high achieving single women attract healthy happy love and marriage through Virtual Workshops, One-on-one & Group Coaching, Live Retreats and Conferences.

There is a lot of noise right now around COVID 19 and you are probably finding yourself in one of three categories:
1.) totally emerged in the happenings, tracking daily broadcasts from your local and national officials and/or news, 2.) totally disengaged and over it or 3.) somewhere in the middle where you what to keep abreast but not over indulging or be plagued by fear and anxiety of the unknown. Regardless of what side of the aisle you are on, I wanted to take this time to provide you some additional resources that are focused on single issues.

What I know to be true, is times like this you may be tempted to jump back on the dating app, update your dating profile and put yourself out there.  After all it has been a minute.  First let me say, being off the market or simply getting out a toxic relationship doesn't qualify you nor prepare you for a healthy relationship.  There is a time for all this but before you do that, do these things first.

1.) Self-reflect:  Spend some time in self-reflection.  Who have you dating in the past, why did you date that person?  Who are you?  What do you want?  Are you the person you want to attract?  Do you need outside support?  If so, what type of support do you need?

2.) Self-growth:  Emotional, spiritual, financial, social and mental are five of twelve core growth areas.  Pick spiritual and one other category you are committed to your personal growth.  What is something you can do for the next 21 days to grow in this area.  I say spiritual as it is the only area that has the potential to help you grow in all other areas and it should be your foundation.  During this time, make sure social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing.  Write a list of ten people you want to connect with and start reaching out to them to foster those relationships. Let me be clear, these are relationships with people ideally of the same-sex and purely platonic.   Think of three people you can reach across to, these are people who are at the level you are in the above area; reach up to three people who are already where you want to be and be sure to reach down to help three people who want to be where you are.

Psalm 127: 1 Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.  Another way to say it, is you can allow God to lead your path, are you can drive yourself. With that said, this would be a good time to start a spiritual fast for at least 10 preferable 21 days.  The Daniel Fast is always a good one, or fasting until noon or implementing intermitting fasting like only eating 12PM to 7PM.

3.) Self-love: Self-love comes in all different shapes and sizes.  Definitely consider being "quarantined" or practicing social distance as part of your self love strategy. Here are a few other self-love strategies. Also consider this as giving others the gift of love and for some even life by keeping those who are most vulnerable self be it your parents, grandparents, your neighbor or those in your community.

a.) Spend daily time with God to include time in prayer and Bible reading
b.) Workout via Facebook Live or on YouTube at least four days a week or take a walk in your neighborhood if you can practice the 6 to 10 feet social distancing recommendations.
c..) Prepare healthy meals and snacks daily (and don't over spend in the grocery store.  Save your money. The stores aren't going anywhere).
d.) Drink half your body weight in water
e.) Take Airborne or Vitamin C daily
f.) Get at least seven hours of sleep.  This builds your immune system
g.) Pamper yourself with a self massage, in home massage, pedicure and/or spa

This is your COVID 19 Singles Survivor Kit part I.  Part II will be release next Thursday at 9PM EST in the Single, Successful and Dating for Marriage Facebook group. In the meantime, please take a moment to complete my short survey so I can get some helpful resources for you. Click here to access the survey.

Jill Bulluck, Your Sister in the Journey of Healthy Happy Love


P.S. Be sure to join our Singles Saturday Sunrise prayer every Saturday morning at 7:05AM inside the Facebook group.

Three (3) Reasons Why You Aren't Experiencing the Happiness that You Desire. Number Three is the Best One.
 
I want to have a real talk tonight, put all the capes and all the other stuff to the side and let's talk real talk. Why aren't you experiencing the level of happiness you desire? On social media people oftentimes post their highlight reel, right? Everybody wants to post what is going well in their light. Look, I got a new car, I got my new house, I got this, I got that, I got my new job. Everybody's posting the highlight reels of their lives, but people don't necessarily share with you their low points which makes you feel a certain type of way.
 
You cannot get caught up in all of that or you will easily get lost in the sauce. Even if you're not a person that don't find yourself comparing, you may find yourself in a place that you just don’t like, thinking to yourself, “I'm just not where I thought I would be. Forget about what the Jones or the Kardashians are doing and whoever else is doing. I am just not where I want to be.” And if I could just be honest, I'm still not where I want to be.
 
What I know to be true, even when it pertains to relationships. If you are 30 year old, and thought you would have been married by now. You’re 35 and thought you would have been married with children perhaps that is not the case.
 
#1 One reason why you may not be in a level of happiness, joy, in abundance that you desire in your life today because of Lack of clarity.
 
The truth of the matter is ever day you think over 60,000 thoughts of those thoughts, 57,000 of those thoughts and decisions are subconscious. If you're not careful, it can be like you just have a default programming and you're almost becoming like a robot or zombie. When that happens, you are lacking the level of intentionality to make the best decisions, you go places just because you always went to that place, you do things cause you've always done them and then you lose the sense of your humanity and the sense of your intelligence to say, hold on, why am I doing this again? Why am I going there yet again? Why am I doing this? Why I'm doing that? So you need to take some time to think and really sit with yourself without having an argument.

I get you want to buy a new home? I get you want the new promotion. I get you want to go get your master's degree, I get you want to get your doctoral degree out outside of that what it is that you really want? So you gotta get clear, you gotta get clear, you gotta get clear, you gotta get clear.
 
I need you guys to get clear on what it is that you really want. What it is that will really make you happy. Sometimes you have to slow down. Take some time to think. It's really recommended that you take at least one day off a month, at least a couple of hours off a month to just sit and get clear, think and journal.
 
Write down your thoughts. I spent a lot of time with myself when you guys don't see me. I am spending time with myself thinking, getting further clarify on what I want and what I don’t want.  

If that's you and you are ready to get healed and get whole, send me an email at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com and type in the subject “Info Emotional and Spiritual Healing”.
 
#2 Unresolved childhood trauma.

For some reasons, we will believe that we can just go through life, as if everything's okay when everything is not okay. For a moment a child who grew up and perhaps had a devastation of parents dying at birth or perhaps their parents being incarcerated,  growing up and seeing violence in the home, growing up in a house and not having your father or mother around and  wondering in your mind every day, where is my dad or where is my mom?  Does she love me, does he love me?  Wondering why would my dad bring me in this world and not show up for me? What did I do wrong? These feelings don't really go away.

Many people are dealing with depression and people dealt with it in the past. And if you had a parent that were depressed then the chances are that was a choice. That is considered a childhood, or what they call an adverse childhood experience. And that could impact your level of happiness if you don't deal with that thing. Because if you don't deal with that thing, that thing will deal with you and it will show up in your relationships and you will not to be able to manifest the level of relationship and happiness that you truly desire.

How do you know if that's you today? Marijuana/weed whatever you want to call it, is the number one self-prescription that people are using to treat rejection, depression and anxiety, so if that is you, that is a sign.
If you find yourself engaging in that, that's an indication that there's a level of something that's missing that you're trying to fulfill through medicating and trying to escape the reality of your situation. So, you have to ask yourself, what is the reality of my situation that I am trying to escape?

If your parents dealt with alcoholism or if you are dealing with alcoholism, if you're finding yourself needing to drink every day, I'm not talking about drinking a red glass of wine every day because it is healthy. No, but you find yourself drinking or your parents drunk. That is a sign of avoidance at best and maybe even depression.
 
If that's you and you are ready to get healed and get whole, send me an email at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com and type in the subject “Info Emotional and Spiritual Healing”.
 
#3 Seeking happiness, fulfillment from external sources.
 
If you're constantly seeking external sources to fulfill you, you're, you're constantly looking to buy that new dope Bourke purse or Louis Votton bag. You know, you are buying all these shoes, you're an emotional shopper. You can't wait to get that new car. You can't wait to get that new house.

Can we take it? That new man can wait to do this. Can't wait to get the new degree, can't wait. You can’t wait to get that new job, which gives them an approach and you're trying to do all these things to make you happy.

And at the end of the day, it will not make you happy. I was just listening to Gary Vaynerchuk who curses like a sailor one, but he's a multimillionaire and he speaks the truth. And when he says, it's like oftentimes we want to spend so much time buying all these dumb stuff like food, clothes, a house and car you can’t afford. You are overindulging in all these things. Perishable items like Chick-fil-a, Chipotle, etc. And you are wasting away your resources. And at the same time we're doing all this trying to feel good. And He said, we buy a bunch of stuff to impress people we don't even like.  Don’t get me to lying I go to Chipotle and Chick-fil-a every now and again, maybe like twice a month but I run a tight budget on eating out each week  ($20).
 
It is time out for that, it's time out for that.  I'm gonna make an offer for you guys who want to continue the conversation and who's like, I'm sick and tired of perpetrating.

I'm sick and tired of faking it.
Listen, you know, for me, I think I've had the biggest stretch and fight with social media because I don't believe in posting, flossing, and fronting what I have.  God has really graced me with a lot of things and I'm blessed and I thank God, but it has not always been that way. I've been in and out of prisons and jails putting money on book “for my man” and I'll still go today for a relative, not for a random or boyfriend.
Back in the day I was going from relationship to relationship, can you relate? At some point we got to stop acting like we're happy when we really aren’t happy.
I've been resistant to social media because I'm not about that. I'm not about having to show you what kind of car I drive, what kind of house I own. I think it's foolishness. It doesn't matter. Those things aren’t going to make me happy and if won’t make you happy.  You may feel good for the comment with all the comments but when you get off social media and get back to your life, the problems and discontentment is still there. 
Your fulfillment has come from something internal. The reason why you may not experience the happiness that you desire is because you're seeking it from an external source.
There is no greater urgency, nothing more important in your life outside of you accepting Jesus Christ as your savior then for you to get your soul together, am I right about it or am I right about it?
That's what we're talking about when I'm talking about addressing a childhood trauma that's talking about your soul. That's dealing with your will, that's dealing with your mind, that's dealing with your emotion. You're not going to be able to skip this process at best you can delay it. You have to deal with it.
If you resonate with anything I am saying, then this is for you. Without a shadow of a doubt. If any of these things, any one of these things resonate with you, this is for you.
If you've experienced unhealthy relationships, then this is for you.
If you find yourself being in emotionally codependent relationships, then this is for you.
If you feel like you always had to be constantly connected and talking and communicating with somebody, then this is for you.
If you always have to be plugged in to something or someone, then this is for you. That means that there's a level of wholeness that's missing this, you're trying to find fulfillment and connection and communication with other people and you're not going to find it there.
You repeatedly make the same mistakes from your past, then this is for you.
If you find yourself compromising in your relationships forsaking your true values and your beliefs in order to be accepted or love by others, then this is for you.
If you find yourself trying to be a people pleaser, then this is for you.
If you find yourself having dealt with inferiority complex or layman's term, feeling like you're not enough, then this is for you.
Because the truth of the matter is some things you may know what to do, but not a proven system or process to go from idea or knowledge to implementation to experience your transformation.
I mean, you know to forgive. Everybody know that, your preacher, your pastor tells you that all the time “forgive, forgive, forgive”.  But it's a difference in knowing that you need to forgive and actually taking the action to forgive. I always say, and I will continue to say knowing is half the battle but understanding and application is the other half. So, when you have coaches like me and Treal that's going to walk you through the process, we're going to help you to get to the other side of that.
 
If that's you and you are ready to get healed and get whole, send me an email at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com and type in the subject “Info Emotional and Spiritual Healing”

Let’s cut to the chase, could it be the attitude and perspective you have, be the reason you are single? Do not get me wrong, singleness is a gift and it has its purpose and season.  At the same time, I believe when the wife is ready, the husband appears. If that holds true, if you are single reading this blog, God is still preparing you for your future spouse.

I will share five self-sabotaging behavior may be keeping you in your  single season longer than you desire. A few months ago, I stepped out on a limb and hosted my first co-ed single event in the DC area.  We had a good turn out with about twenty women and ten men.  There where some good looking brothers if I may say so myself.  I would give eight out of ten of those brothers a seven or better. Just saying. I spoke with every single guy who attended  because I approached them.  All of them seem like pretty stand up guys. I noticed that the guys were dressed to impressed but the ladies were overall more causally dressed.
In a small intimate group like that, if 10% to 20% of the attendees made a meaningful connection, that is success to me.   If I can be honest, there are a few things that happened before and after the event, were very disturbing to me, not because of how it made me feel but how I know that type of attitudes and behavior can totally hit the kill switch for a man’s desire.  In response to what I observed I am wrote this blog. Fellas, keep reading and let me know if I am right about it.

What I am about to say, may offend you but please know that is not my intentions.  My intentions are to support you in your growth and development by bring a level of awareness to you of self-sabotaging behavior that will move you farther away from your goal.

Back in the day, my negative attitude and default mindset that went straight to worst case scenario caused me to see the bad in everything versus trying to find some of the good, can you relate to that?  Sometimes you forget there are endless possibilities and you start concluding the one negative thing rather than seeking out the other 99 positive thing?  That leads me to the first thing:

1. Focusing on the negative. This is everything from what is not working to always assuming worst case scenario.
2. Expecting the man/men to do all the work. This is everything from approaching you, to asking you out, to making all the plans including making you happy by showing you with gifts and what ever you want.  Some men will come in and wine and dine you but most men, just want to go out, have a good time without breaking his bank. Expectations are the fastest way to get disappointed. Release expectations and make a commitment to come out and have a good time. Period. Dot. THE END.
3. Holding on to the list.  Don’t get it twisted, having a list is not only encourage but necessary to get clarity on what you want and what that looks like exactly.   The problem comes in when you still have, “he has to be 6’0, 210 pounds, six-figures, master degree etc. All things nice to have but none of these things makes a good husband or father and cause you to focus on the superficial when you trying to create something official.  That’s not going to work.
4. Putting in minimal effort when you show up. You don’t have to get a full beat to go on a date but take some time to put yourself together.  Basic things like your hair nice and neat (clean up those edges), if you have your sides cut like me go to the barber and get a fresh cut or get a brush and work those edges.  Dress always go over well on a date but keep them right about the knee (no more than 1 to 3 inches); anything above three inches is doing way too much.   The more body shape you have the longer the dress. Be careful with Fashion Nova wear as their clothes are very fitted.  Wear something nice but loose fitting but cute.  Work jewelry, jackets and paints. If you are wearing scandals polish those toes. Not just for a date but everything because you are a wife and most importantly because you are a queen.
5. Possessing beauty that is only skin deep. Sis, you are cute and all, but after he sees you and open your mouth, how does what you say and how you say it, speaks to him.  Does it say you are a drama queen or shallow woman or does it, you are a women of wisdom, dignity, knowing your worth and value?  For so long society has characterized women’s contribution and value based on her body and her beauty, but the truth be told, charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting after the beauty fleets you have to have substance to your life through living out your purpose, your character, your attitude and your spirit.

Have you committed any of these five mistakes?  Which one?  Are you still committing it?  What can you do difference to change what you are putting out in the world so you can change what you are attracting in the world?  Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Click the link below to access my three part video series

This is not a formal introduction but let me take a minute to introduce myself. I have been married for six years, and my husband and I have been incredibly blessed in our union. I don't want to say we cracked the code, but we found a way to make marriage a lot easier. I must tell you it wasn't so much what we've done inside our marriage as it's been what we did before our wedding day and that's what I want to help you with by sharing with you today.
I haven't said all these to brag or make anyone to say, oh well she said her marriage is all that, whatever. No, no, no, no.  My life hasn’t always been peaches and cream and it still isn’t for example my husband and I disagree what to spend money on and when more often than I care to admit and we have been on a fertility journey for at least 2.5 years.
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Before now, I had a history of failed relationships and unhealthy relationship. I have been cursed out, lied to, cheated on and all kinds of stuff.  It was just a whole situation.  It was a whole bunch of stuff that was toxic and wasn't good, but I was able to break that cycle, and my marriage is the first healthy relationship I've ever experienced. Here are five quote steps you can implement in manifesting your husband.

#1 Admit that Your Current Process/Relationship Isn't Working and Affirm You Deserve Healthy Happy Love

January 28th, 2011, just 18 days before I met the love of my life and a day I admitted that the dating situation I was entertaining, wasn’t working. I was waiting for the guy to choose me and I had been waiting for months and at this point. I was over it as you can tell by the look on my face. I had begun the process of admitting when thing weren’t working back in July of the previous year but this day required me to make a pivotal decision, keep going down a path that wasn’t working out of desperation, hoping he would see me as good enough one day or get off the wrong path so I can get on the right path.
 
So for you, first things first, admit things aren't working, if you are reading this, chances are you have a history of unhealthy relationships or a history of failed relationships. Or perhaps you have a history of attracting people that aren’t on your level.
 
You know that you are called to be a supervisor, administrator, a doctor, a lawyer, a leader or even your own boss. You know that God has a great assignment on your life, but for some reason you are attracting some drag down Joker that is doesn’t cut it.
 
If every one of your relationship or every attempt at a relationship has failed; know that it isn’t you but it is your process. And I am here to bring good news;
you have the power to turn your situation around.
 
You don't have to give your power to anyone. First, admit that something is not working and that you have a level of discontentment about the way things are going or not going.
 
If you can't find a date; it seems like nobody is attracted to you or no one is approaching you or otherwise something is not working, and you have to confess that it isn't working. Say it out loud right now “this is not working for me”, and then think about what exactly isn’t working for you. Start thinking about what you want to experience in a relationship. What does a healthy happy relationship looks like for you?
 
Now that you’ve admit things aren’t working, we can move on to step number two.

#2 Clarity on what You Want

Step number two is having clarity on what you want. Ask yourself, what do you want? What does that look like? If you want to be married, say that.  So many women are afraid to admit that they want to be married. How can you manifest something you wouldn’t even admit you desire it?  Do feel like it is taboo to say as a single person you desire marriage?  Do you think that is a bad thing? Are you afraid your desire will come off as desperation?  Listen-up. It is okay to desire marriage; marriage is a God idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but you need to be clear on what that looks like and what it does not look like for you. Understanding how to love and how to be love is not always a natural thing. This isn’t talking about him being six feet tall, 200 pounds.

Clarity on what you want is examining your spiritual needs. Think about what you want and need spiritually. Think about what you want and need mentally. Think about what you want and need emotionally. Think about what you want and what you need financially. See we get so caught up in what we want in terms of the looks.
Oh, I want him to be tall, dark, and handsome. I want him to be driving this and that.

No, no, no. What do you need in terms of financial freedom? What do you need in terms of emotional support and well-being? What do you need in terms of mental support? Come on!

And once you get that, set your heart and mind on Matthew 6:33 seek ye first the Kingdom of God.  God is going to be the place your cup gets fill so you can have the capacity to love yourself and love someone else.
If you don't know what you want, think about what God would desire for you. What would God's best for you look like? God wants you to be with somebody who's after his very heart, right?

Being married or in a relationship should not hold you back from your goals and dreams. As a matter of fact, I don't even like to say “your husband/ or wife.” We are talking about your destiny partner. Don't live your life in regret feeling like you're living below where you ought to be. 

#3 Renewing Your Mind

The next thing to do is to renew your mind. “Renewing of the mind,” “The renewing.” You can't stop it at renew because you can't just say, ‘’well my mind is renewed, I'm good”. It is the renewing of the mind, which means when you're renewing your mind, you cannot stop renewing because it's an ongoing continuous process that does not end.  It is time to go from the state of being negative to being positive. It is time for you to go from the state of complaining about what's not working, what's not going good to a place of gratitude. Today I had to renew my mind about my current situation.

I'm having Christmas at my house, and I'm thinking, man I wish I was able to get this mattress that I wanted to get. I wanted to get it for Black Friday but my husband shut that down. He was like; no, we didn't plan for it.  Next year we got to plan to get that.  You can't just buy it out of the blue. So I couldn't get the mattress I wanted. I wanted a dining room table, and I was thinking I should’ve got it when we bought our furniture last year, but I didn't. I still want it, and I wasn't able to get it. You know that I could be aggravated and frustrated about what I don't have, but I'm choosing to focus on other things. I mean, I still think about it. Don't get me wrong. I still desire those things don't get it twisted but what good is focusing on what we don’t have? It will never get you closer to what you want.  The law of attraction tells us to become and be the thing we want, and it will manifest for us. Sometimes that becoming is something you can do on your own but most times it requires some outside support.  What do you need to manifest the love of your life?

However, I decided to fix my mind on the things that are good and lovely. For example, I'm focused on things like getting a tablecloth. We have a little table I bought from Walmart, so I'm going to use that table. I'm going to put a nice tablecloth on it.  The tablecloth may cost more than the table, and I also had my husband get some chairs from the store.  I'm buying a centerpiece for the table too. I'm doing what I can. I bought some poinsettias, I got my tree, and I purchased a gift, so I wasn’t focused on what I didn't have. I could complain and be discontent about what I can't get right now or I can focus on being grateful that I have enough money in the bank to get fold chairs, the tablecloths, to give people gifts and to do other things because we had to learn how to focus on the things that we do have,  interesting right?

I say that the next thing I have here is all on the renewing of the mind, you can move on from discontentment to a place of contentment, right? So I'm not going to be discontent because I can't get everything I want. I'm going to operate in a state of contentment and learn how to work on the things that work for me. Absolutely! I’m living in the present moment. The fourth thing to do involves complete detachment.

#4 Detach from the Outcome

Detach yourself from the outcome. Let me say this quickly; when I say detach yourself from the outcome it means; live, love, laugh, live, love, laugh. When you're dating or meeting people, you're not attached to the outcome of that relationship. You're learning to live. You're learning to laugh, you're learning to love, and you're not having expectations that this is going to lead to something. Even if you're dating someone, you're not expecting that they're going to invite you to another date or that they're going to take you out another time. Now you can have clarity on the purpose of why you guys contain the relationship. You should ask the question, right? You don't necessarily have to, and I always say; ask in the beginning what is the purpose for dating or having that relationship at that particular.
Have a dating relationship right now right? Get that clarity. Just because you guys are considering telephone, marriage and all doesn’t mean you should expect that they will marry you. You got to expect to just have a good time and be fully present in the moment. This is how I manifested my husband.

#5 Setting boundaries and standards and Stick to Them

Last but not least, you have to set standards and boundaries and hold on to them strictly. That's it. Now it's easier said than done. I gave you five tips. These are five tips of how I manifest. I will be doing another this Sunday; I will be sharing my seven-step process on how to attract and keep healthy, happy and loving people that leads to lasting marriage, which is a little different from some of the things I shared here today. Click here to sign up

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I recall when I had a significant breakthrough in dating, I realized that this guy was straight testing me to see if I was “wifey material.”  I gained so much wisdom and knowledge from that situationship I thought I was ready to meet the one. After that situation ended, I turned right around, and attracted a high-quality man just like that! He had a resume to die for from six figures in the bank (not just making that a year but in the bank outside of his retirement account), Jeep Cherokee paid in cash, love kids and a fantastic father. I had met him at the gym. I had just began setting standards for myself so he laughed in embarrassment when him and his buddy walked me back to my office but failed to offer to carry my bag.  However, I still had that trouble disease to please and it when that is the case, it won't be long before it shows its desperate head. 

By the world standards, he was a high-quality man. Due to my insecurities, I hit the kill switch on his desire which ended a good thing. I was heart-broken over this situation. I had broken my vow of purity to save the relationship and to add insult to injury, the sex was horrible and then he dropped me like a bad habit.  He didn't know God so I know he wasn't God best for me but at the time he was ssssssoooooo much better than the guys I dated in the past. I grieved this relationships for days.

Can you relate, grieving a lost over someone that you know was never met for you but being upset with yourself to tolerating so much for so long, being anger that you betrayed your loyalty from God to man and man let you down? 

I share that to say, don’t pour the wine before it’s time. If you jump out there prematurely before you have done the work in becoming emotional whole, which Treal and I walked hundreds of women and men through the process of emotional healing with our Emotional Wellness Summit earlier this year.

Rather than ending in a healthy relationship that leads to marriage, you will end up in a situationship going nowhere or even worst in an unhealthy marriage. When that situation ended, I found myself balled up in the corner confessing to my mom of how I compromised my values trying to prove myself for love as a full grown woman just as I had done when I was a young girl in high school.  I had matured physically and mentally, but emotionally I was still that 16-year-old girl. There are six critical steps you will need to take before you are positioned to be found to attract a high-quality mate.
Here are those six steps.

1.) Prayer-up.  This is filling your soul which is your mind, your will, and your emotions.  You do this through daily prayer and worship, and devotion.  Don't make the mistake of many social media, people or things your source but God. You have to seek Him with your whole heart daily.

2.) Purpose. This is getting crystal clear on your God-given purpose to include your purpose and vision for your future marriage.  What is your pain?  What keeps you up at night? What is your greatest frustration? What are you most passionate about? Once you answer these questions, you can get a better understanding of your purpose. 

3.) Planning & Productivity:  This is getting organized and stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off and finally conquering the chaos. For me each day of the week has a theme and I follow specific activities on each day. This helps me stay sane. If you don't have a system in place, you will be living by the seat of your pants inviting chaos and confusion in your life every day.   One of my favorite tools to use, is the Cozi app. This help me keep up with everything from my grocery list, to-done-list and my calendar. You can download it free, from the app store.

4.) Presence.  This is being your authentic self and be confident in the presence of someone of the opposite sex. But done the darn cell phone already. If you are out, be out and give that person your full attention. Don't want to do this on a date practice this every time you meet up with friends and family. Give the gift of your undivided attention. 

5.) Peace.  This is learning to remain calm in the midst of a storm.  Do you find yourself getting frustrated, angry, discouraged or sad by a recent loss? You have two options: you can put those stinking emotions away or you can put it away (aka pray about it until you get the strength to put it away.)

6.) Prosperity.  This isn’t just about how much money you have in the back as it is about the abundance of your heart and soul and your capacity.  If you need support with this, check out my Position Yourself to Be Found eCourse. Once you check those six boxes and can honestly say, you have done the work, then you read for love which you are cleared to date.  Speaking of abundance and prosperity, during your single journey don't shy away from dating wildly.  Dating is nothing more than meeting new people and trying to get to know them better to determine if it is worth your time and energy to continue the relationship.

7.) Places to be Found. When we think about Adam and Eve, God placed Eve in the same geographic location of Adam so they could meet. Let's face it, if Adam was in the Garden of Eden and Eve was in 20,000 in another country, in those days, they would have never met.

Don't believe the lie that there is a lack of high-quality god fearing men or women. The challenge sometimes is the degree of separation between people can delay that connection.  Join me next week as I continue the conversation and release the 10 places to meet a quality man.

I share those steps in my eCourse Position Yourself to Be Found. 

If you know you need to do a few things before hitting the dating seen. Click here to check out Position to Be Found eCourse or join our Facebook group by clicking here.

Have you had a pattern of attracting the wrong mate in your life? Are you tired of attracting someone who is unavailable, not saved, into street pharmacy or otherwise unemployed, broke, busted, disgusted, emotional broken or just not on your level?

I want to share with you the 10 Best Places to Meet a High-Quality Mate and along with that I will share some of my own powerful life lessons to help you attract and marry the love of your life.
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Who you attract and allow into your life is a destiny alternating decision make no mistake about it. It can be the difference between life and death, freedom or incarceration, happiness and misery, achieving your biggest dreams versus living at your biggest nightmare.  Below I share the 10 Best places to meet a high-quality god-fearing mate.   Remember most importantly, it isn't your physical location as much as it is psychic location when you get there. 
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10.) Neighborhood.  If you live in the hood, you better skip this one or go visit your friends who live in the area with good schools and expensive homes. I an't no gold digger but no body have time to be talking to a person with broke figures.

Just saying.  You can meet a high-quality mate when you stop at the local gas station or store. Ladies, make the extra trip to Auto Zone to grab your new whippers and take those to your car dealership to put them on. You save some money and you never who you may run into. 

9.) Airport. The more I started to travel, the more I saw fine, young single men everywhere from the Delta Sky Lounge to Southwest security line to JetBlue check-in. You may be tempted to hop in your car by yourself and take that 10-hour drive and some times that is okay but don't sky away from jumping on Jetblue and get a $49 flight and open up your options. Be careful but be cute. Put a little effort into looking good even if you have an early flight. I am not saying you need a full beat at 6AM or a $200 weave but leave the scarf and rollers at home and put on some lipstick and blush. Guys come out the sweat and throw on some jeans and a blazer, spice it up a little.

8.) Community/College Events/Games. You recall that first guy I told you about who was testing me? Well it was an EPIC fall, and I will share that in an upcoming vlog, but I met him at a homecoming game. Although he was a jerk to me, I do believe when he reached the right woman for him, a woman who demanded respect in a confident, no BS but respectful way, he got his act together.  He had a Professional Engineering License; he had his own house, makeover six-figures, love God and six feet tall, no kids and the list goes on. I met him at a homecoming game my cousin invited me to.

7.) Work. Don’t make the mistake of going out with that one or two girlfriends every day.  Diverse your options and be intentional with connecting and building genuine friendships at work with men and women alike. A man finding a wife, is like the coming back of Jesus Christ, your never know the day or the other, so you have to stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready. Think about Ruth. When she met Boaz, she was working in the field, and he came for her.

6.) Family/Friend Gatherings. I can’t recall meeting someone at a family gather, but I do remember inviting a good friend of mine to my birthday party than to our Christmas party and next thing I knew, her and my cousin were going out.

5.) In Ministry/On Mission Trips. If you are passionate about helping others and if you ever thought about taking mission trips. This is an excellent opportunity to build deep, meaningful relationships while giving back to society in a significant way. One does this if this is something God has already placed on your heart and something you see yourself doing at least once if not once every few years.  Don’t start something you can’t finish.

4.) Gym.  That beautiful good man I told you about, I met him at the gym. I met a couple of quality men at the gym. Warning, don’t go to the gym to catch or attract a man.

One reason this is the right place as it along people with like mindset and goals to connect to go and grow together. If you love working out, get out your living room and get into a co-ed gym.

3.) Online (Internet & Social Media). This is dating sites. Some of the most popular dating sites are Black Singles, Christian mingles, Elite Singles, and Match.com.  Although I place this as #3, this is my favorite. This is where I met my boo thang aka my husband. Please don't get it twisted there is much weirdo online and I met three or four other guys online before I met my husband. In my Position to Be Found eCourse, I share the exact questions I asked my husband, my profile and safety tips. Social Media. This is different than dating online.  This is Facebook, IG, LinkedIn, etc.  This is sliding in the DM.

2.) Networking Event/Eventbrite & Meetup.com I met my husband on a dating site that was a hybrid of a meetup group. Our first meeting was at a speed dating event. With online dating, you never know what type of person you will meet even after a few phone calls that is why I recommend a group gathers for the first date.

1.) In God.  You read that right. You can go to every place I listed above but if you haven’t set and keep your heart, soul, and spirit on God and the things of God, you won't be prepared to receive the partner God has for you. As soon as you meet that quality man, you will start idolizing him, and the relationship will be over before it gets started or be on a path for destruction. Remember always, seek first the kingdom of God and all of its righteousness and all other things will be added until you.  

What I know to be true, God has created someone who isn't perfect but they are perfect for you. You deserve healthy happy love despite your past and all the things you been through. God said He will not withhold any good thing from you and that includes your destiny partner aka your spouse.

JILL BULLUCK

What to learn more about attracting a high-quality God Fearing mate?  Check out my 5 Day Ready for Love Challenge by clicking here,

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